Manipulating Agreement


When I was 12 years old, I was invited to join my neighbors for a sudden trip out of state. One of their family members had a medical emergency and they needed to go to them. They had a couple of toddlers and invited me to go as a nanny, presumably for the times while they were at the hospital supporting their loved one.

When we arrived in Georgia, the wife left to go to the hospital but the husband stayed behind. It was late at night and together, we got the kids put to bed and then went into the living room to get something to eat. Before I knew it, the man was asking me to go to bed with him.

This 45 year old man, was asking me, a 12 year old, to have sex with him. He described to me all the things he planned to do. I was mortified, terrified, humiliated. I had no idea what to do. I was in a strange place with no telephone or way to get help. So I did the only thing I could think to do, I went out the door and planned to just stay outside to distance myself from this unsafe situation and wait for the mom to return.

As I left the house, the man yelled out at me. 'You must be a lesbian! Only lesbians don't want to have sex with a man.'

Though I have always been attracted to men, I have wrestled with that question for decades. Was I a lesbian? Was there something wrong with my not wanting to sleep with that man? The man's parting shot had made the clear implication that there weren't any alternatives to his claim. I either have sex with him or I am a lesbian, those are the possibilities.

As an adult, I've seen this same sort of coercive, manipulative behavior employed within the church of all places. I'd never made the correlation precisely until now, but realizing it, I am compelled that it must be exposed. We attended one church where a few people were staunch Democrats. But they were extremely uncomfortable in that environment because there, if you weren't a Republican, you were suspicious. While no one said to these people that they couldn't be a real Christian and also a Democrat, the implication was quite clear. I was party to such thinking myself, if I'm honest. We Republicans really did think that these people's Christianity was questionable because anyone who had the Spirit of God would clearly discern that the Republican party was right and the Democratic party was wrong. (not sure I am still a Republican, but that’s another story entirely)

Christians often have a tendency to look with suspicion on those who don't agree with what they consider to be the most important facets of their ideology(and really, this isn’t exclusive to the Church). Which ones these are varies from one group to the next, but the underlying attitude is the same. One of the most common arguments that can be found among Evangelical Christians, where biblical inerrancy and authority are at the foundation of everything, is that whatever interpretation they don’t like must be unbiblical. Never mind that you’ve grounded it in the Scripture, the fact that your interpretation differs from theirs is reason enough to declare it unbiblical. And where in the world do you go from there? That is a certain dialog ending device.

I have recently found myself on this side of biblical authority as a result of some theological shifts I have undertaken. The message has been quite clear, “if you believe that women should be free to answer any call God puts on their lives, including that of pastor, teacher or elder, then you are not a safe Christian. In fact, you’ve discarded the bible and can no longer be trusted in anything you say about God. Further, if you speak out about this, you are being divisive. Further, any relationship difficulties that result from your believing something different about the 'church approved roles of women' are a direct result of YOUR sinful attitudes and inaccurate understanding of the bible (if you even believe the bible anymore because some people actually think you've discarded it all together).”

Now, some will be very upset that I'd compare my first experience involving the deviant 45 year old man to the current situation regarding theological ideology. They'll say that these two are not the same thing at all. They'll say, just look at the bible, we are right, it's clear as clear can be. And again, they'll accuse me of throwing mud at the church and say I am harming her, dividing her, making public the squabbles of the church and thereby hurting her reputation.

The reality, however, is that in both of these cases, the 'options' offered are manipulation. Manipulation is never a healthy thing and this particular variety has the scent of logical fallacy written all over it. Neither of these choices are a binary choice. I don't have to choose between the options given. 

In openly discussing the tough problems that face the body of Christ, no harm is done to the Church. However, those who would manipulate people into agreeing with their view of what it means to be a real Christian by shutting down dialog are actually the ones harming the church. They are doing damage by 'othering' people even within their own body. I am actually calling the Church on her ungodly behavior, much like many others before me have done when calling for various needed reforms.

Yes, we are called to Unity. In John 17, Jesus has a fair bit to say on this topic in his final prayers to the Father. But our unity is not meant to be a pretend unity that we wishfully hope will somehow become true Unity in the Spirit simply by our keeping our contrasting opinions to ourselves, smiling at one another and offering hugs. In order for it to be the sort of Unity that brings glory to the Father it must be REAL. It must be that we, as individuals humble ourselves to the point that we become one with our Father. In becoming one with the Father, we will necessarily become one with those others who have also become one with the Father through the process of humbling themselves to think as He does.

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