Singing and Silencing

Let me start by mentioning a special friend, Heather of Mosaic Mama, whom God is using mightily lately to help me break through a few more walls that I didn't even know needed to be assaulted.

When I was a young girl, I had an indescribable passion to sing. Singing could readily be described as 'my heart'. I learned to sing from my Daddy, whom I idolized. He'd start up a song in his rich, bass voice and I'd add my small melody to his and off we'd go together. More often then not, we were working in the garden or perhaps driving somewhere together. Those times were some of the best memories I have of my childhood. 

My childhood was painful, very painful. I've written of it, here, but there is much still that remains unspoken. One of the things I've never written openly about is the abuse perpetrated by my father. I'm not ready to tell all of that story, but it is a key part of my story. I mention it here because the times of learning about nature and singing with my dad are the good memories I have of our relationship.  But they were contrasted with a sick and twisted and very confusing experience of abuse, manipulation and distortion of reality. I sometimes still question how much of the reality of my early life I am able to see accurately even now. I've unraveled so much thus far, and yet I know that I am still very fallible and susceptible to believing things that aren't true.

I want to focus on the singing bit for now. Bear with me as I seek to unravel how singing and silencing have been intricately intertwined.

I am a vocalist. It's such a part of my physical self that I often go around doing it unawares. I'm a bit like a bird that way. I'm made to sing. Made to utter vocal sound. Made to make beautiful noise. When I sing, I feel God's pleasure. Eric Liddell is quoted as saying "When I run, I feel His pleasure." I get it Eric.

I'm good at it. Not the best, but I have a true gift. I've had that gift ever since I was a child. People often told me so. My Daddy told me so. I especially believed him because it was a wonderful way in which he showed me love........ approval......... which I craved desperately.

So I sing.....and I sang. 

When Christmas came around, our church often performed a Christmas Cantata. Some years, we did an exclusive children's version. The year I was 9, I was chosen for a solo part in that years production. I was so proud, so excited to join the other extremely gifted vocalists of our church. I was going to, finally, take my own place among them. I practiced and practiced. Was I good? I couldn't tell you objectively, but I guess I thought so. I felt confident, I was nervous, but I felt confident.

Then one day, I went for practice and the director pulled me aside and told me that she was going to assign another girl the part I had been expecting to sing. She didn't tell me why, she just told me in a matter of fact way that I would be part of the choir, but wouldn't be doing that part. The girl assigned the part was always the girl singing on stage. She was a couple of years older than me and she was very good. Everyone could see that. And she already had other parts in the production. But now she'd have my part as well.

I don't recall anything else about that cantata now. Did I join the choir? I don't remember. All I remember is that I felt silenced. The message I received was that I wasn't good enough.

I stopped singing. I took one semester of chorus in 8th grade but other than that, I stopped altogether. For 14 years I remained silent. I sang in church, I sang at home, but I didn't sing in front of anyone for almost a decade and a half.

But at the age of 23, because the people sitting in front of me in church, who heard me singing, encouraged me, I worked up courage and asked if I could join the worship team. 

The truth was, I didn't know anything except melody and that church really wanted those who could sing backup so I was told to take piano and voice lessons for at least 6 months and they'd let me join the team.  So I did. And I joined the team.

That particular team had only extremely gifted singers, or it seemed so to me. I was somehow among them but I'm not sure how because I couldn't hold a candle to them. I wrestled through trying to learn how to sing harmony. It was difficult. The other's on the team constantly pointed out that I was 'flat', 'off pitch', 'stepping on their harmony'. I went home and cried quite often. And yet I persevered because even though I didn't understand it then, singing was in my very bones. It was as necessary to me as breathing.

In 5 years of singing with them, I was offered the opportunity to lead on a song only a handful of times. That too sent a message, 'you are not enough. You are not really good. You should stop trying.' Were they trying to send that message? I doubt it, but because of my own feelings of inadequacy, that is what I took away.

I left that church and joined a tiny church who had no worship leader. I was welcomed to fill the role and I did for a time. Everyone there was quite happy, it was uplifting, it was good. But then we moved and had to find a new church.

At that church, I joined and through a variety of circumstances had opportunities to lead and a great many to be silenced again. By then, I had actually become quite skilled, but sometimes skilled is a threat to others. Is that what was happening? Maybe, I don't really know, but I took in another message. 'You're still not good enough. Others whose skill yours exceeds will be given the position because there is something about you that is a problem. You'll never be enough to do this thing that you feel called to do. Stop trying.'

But I didn't stop, because by this time, I was growing in faith, growing in confidence and growing in ability to sing and do it well and powerfully. Even though what was being 'spoken' to me by others was contrary, I was gaining confidence in what the Lord was saying about me.

For a while, we joined a small home fellowship in addition to our regular church. On the first night we got there, the leader prophesied over me that I had a special gift of healing through song and that God would use my voice to bring healing to many. I was humbled and excited. I had heard that before, but this came through a leader and seemed to carry more weight.

Friends who were also musicians had invited us to this group and also to lead worship with them. But the leader, the same man who'd prophesied over me that my singing voice would bring healing became angry and took me aside to tell me that I would NEVER lead worship there. His wife had taken over the worship and our friends had left suddenly and there was a lot of anger and weirdness. He even went so far as to tell me that I was saying ugly things about him and that I was divisive. This wasn't true, but since he was the leader, he called the shots and I was silenced again.

Later, we joined another church. In this one, we were invited to lead regularly. We brought music that, by God's grace, the Holy Spirit moved in and through and people were sometimes led to fall on their faces, with tears and even healing. At that church, I learned to lead worship prophetically. To listen carefully to the Spirit of God. I felt the Spirit's palpable presence so many times. Then, when what the Spirit was doing became a threat, the criticism of every detail began and the silencing started. The silencing was most obvious when the songs whose message was most powerful were 'no longer allowed'. Discussion about them was cut off. And the message I heard?

"You are not enough. You are not actually Spirit led. We don't need your additions."

Again, I was effectively silenced in things I've felt deep conviction about. My conviction turned out to be a threat.

(Interesting side note, at that particular church, the previous leader also wrestled with being silenced. The Lord was doing tremendous work through that leader and ultimately he left. He never said, but I wonder now if he felt that frustration. A few years prior, another leader was there leading worship effectively and he too was maligned and silenced. I feel sad for this pastor, I doubt he has any idea that he is actively joined with the Enemy to silence those God would anoint to bring life to that body. Instead, his own pain causes pain to the entire body.)

So why has this happened? I can only speculate, but I have to believe that God does put His Voice into the hearts of many men and women to literally sing His Spirit into the room in a special measure. 2 Chronicles 20:1-25 is a beautiful illustration of the people worshiping God and how He fights a battle for them as they worship. There is tremendous power against our Enemy as we worship.

And so we are silenced. Yes, partly by humans, but underneath that, by the Enemy of our souls, Satan himself. He is terrified of hearing the song of the broken birds rising up to the Lord to give Him honor and praise and glory. And so he uses the weakness of humankind to silence those called to lift up songs of praise that are led by the Spirit of God and meant to do battle for healing among the people.

This silencing extends not just to worshipers in general, but it seems especially prevalent towards women. There are female worship leaders today, but they are far less in number than male leaders. Men are sought out to lead in many churches because they are seen to be the ones called by God exclusively to lead in the church. Here, I point out Miriam in Exodus 15:20-21 who leads the people in worship of God. I can't speak for others, but I can say without fail, I find that the Spirit speaks loudest when women lead worship. I don't know why and I'm not saying they should do it exclusively, but I have observed this again and again. 

There is something unique about the way a woman worships. She's often far more demonstrative, she's somehow laid out before the Lord in a way I've literally never seen a man do. And this willingness to be fully consumed by her love for the Lord is a strong leadership to the body of Christ for how to live in union with the Father. Watch Steffany Gretzinger, Audrey Assad or Kari Jobe worship. It's a beauty that I can't put words to. (Please don't hear in this that I dislike men, or don't want to be led in worship by men. That isn't the case, but I'm calling out a gifting I've observed in women that in no way diminishes men and their amazing contribution. Women and men simply worship very differently and I do think that what women bring is imperative to the body's full expression of the love for the Lord.)

There's much more that could be said, but the most important piece is that I have to fight against the Silencing. I must not bow to it, or give up. I CANNOT be silent and I am not meant to be alone. A CHORUS of Lovers of God must rise up and sing of His GOODNESS and MERCY if we are to defeat the Enemy. 

It's a primary piece of freedom for the people, both for those who already know God and for those who don't yet know Him. There is a power in music that is unmatched by any other force. Music has a way of cutting through every boundary and piercing the hearts of people to their very core. This is true both of holy and unholy music.

And so let the sparrow sing. Let her sing loud and long. Let her sing full and lustily. Her music is meant to rise up to the heavens and shatter walls that keep people in prisons.


I will sing sing sing to my God my KingFor all else fades awayAnd I will love love loveWith this heart You've madeFor You've been good always
For You've been good always ~ All Sons and Daughters

I so appreciate anyone taking the time to offer feedback and thoughts!