Lament of a broken heart

There's only one time that a bit of prose such as this can be written. Dead in the middle of heartache that threatens to swallow a person whole.

Aching heart, breath un-caught
eyes spilling over in a flood of saline
Am I going to vomit?
Am I going to live? 
Can I?
Make it through?
no one
no where
broken
safety stolen
confidence destroyed
Dignity?
Where?
Ever?
Was there ever dignity?
Did I imagine that?
Respect?
Was there ever respect?
Real?
Or pretend?
Friendship?
Deep, lasting..........
no, not lasting
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.............I prayed
Is this the place?
Border..............less
breathless?
Alone?
It was the desert?
All along?
Thirsting for comfort
Place.....
I have no place
I don't belong
I am alone
My tears unseen
my tears unseen
my tears unseen
I was known.......or was I?
I was necessary......or was I?
I was heard......or was I?
surface
false
inauthentic
Dark, I wait
I hope that something will break through
That I will break through
That hope and joy will break through
I sit, liquid sadness streaming
The pain doesn't go
Though I hear Your voice, the pain lingers
I am alone
You are cutting me out of the maze of acceptance
You and me 
Alone........together
a new building
a new kind of belonging
I can't see.....through a glass darkly
Wait..........
..................................................wait.

In the middle of pain I can't adequately describe, I think I have to write this down. I am not the only one to feel this way. I am not the only one to feel the agony of being alone, of not knowing if you'll be accepted again, and if you are, for how long?

This........pain........isn't there a better word? Shouldn't it be more impact full? But it's not, it's just pain. A familiar feeling for every member of the human race.

I'm writing today for those who have experienced the loss of acceptance, especially that which comes by way of the church rejecting you for non-compliance. I say the church because I don't mean only one church, but those believers who make up the thing we call the church. 

I've learned rather abruptly that non-compliance in the church of God in 21st century has consequences that feel a great deal like those from hundreds of years ago. We attempt to disguise it. We don't call it ex-communication. But it's the same. If you don't agree with us, we will make sure that you are seen as the problem. We'll talk about you behind your back and also to your face. We'll tell you that you are unspiritual, that you don't belong, that you've lost your way. 

It's not just that you don't agree with their theology either. It can be any way in which you don't conform to the standard we call normal and appropriate. It can be friends, family, leaders, all of the above. The biggest hurt comes when trusted leaders and family members and intimate friends reject you.

And suddenly, when only yesterday you felt you were blessed and lived in blessing. You felt you were loved and valued. You felt you were needed. Suddenly, when certain chips present themselves on the table, suddenly, you can't be trusted. Suddenly everything you say is suspect. Suddenly, you are the 'them' we've been warning each other about. The table has been turned and you are on the wrong side.

You are invited to make the 'right decisions' for everyone involved. This way all the responsibility is left on your doorstep and doesn't stain 'the church', doesn't stain 'the family', doesn't stain 'my reputation as friend'. You are the problem. We've warned you to let go of waywardness. We warned you that it could end this way. We warned you not to cross us. Didn't we? Oh, you never heard that? Well ,it was in the fine print. See here, it says 'tow the line, support the establishment, don't waiver from that, if you do, the finger is pointing at you'.

And there you sit, surely in a puddle? Surely drenched with sorrows.

Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul, He's in the waiting.