On Being Whole - Looking Back and Looking Forward

A beautiful version of my 'happy place' found in Newport News, VA on our travels this Autumn

As December gets into full swing, I begin to consider how the 'Word of the Year' I adopted over the last 12 months has come into play in my life and which word/concept is calling me in the year to come.

This year was spent pursuing therapeutic health in a variety of ways, but actual, traditional talk therapy has been one of the most obviously helpful for me. It shouldn't be that difficult a decision to pursue professional therapy. As someone who's worked extensively in the field of 'lay counseling' I know better than most, the benefits that come from letting someone else walk with you through the things that are too difficult to walk through on your own. Still, I procrastinated until finally I gave in to what my soul wanted, needed, and scheduled an appointment with a local therapist.

June 17th was my first appointment and I am so thankful for the journey I've walked with the wonderful Kelly Wilt over the course of that time. I've had therapy in the past, but this season has been my longest foray and I think it may also have been the most useful. 

My 'WORD' for 2019 was Expansive. And it certainly applies. 

My thinking on nearly every topic has expanded. 

• Art skills, through attending the Art Institute at the Arizona Sonora Desert Museum, have expanded. I've created and sold art that would have been impossible for me to even conceive of a year ago.
• Relationships, also through the ASDM, have greatly expanded. 
• Family both contracted and expanded as we lost Bean, our wonderful Boxador of 11 years and recently added Miss Ruby Woo, a Labraheeler just 2 weeks ago. 
• Understanding of my wonderful husband, Jeremy, has expanded and our relationship too has strengthened as we are learning to allow one another to be distinct individuals. 
• I've educated myself on topics I'd considered off-limits in the past and as a result, my love for a wide variety of types of people has expanded. 
• My taste in literature has widened to include authors from a variety of ethnic groups and topics
• My taste in food was broadened as new friends introduced me to Vegan and Indian delights over the course of the year. (My waistline may have expanded too, but this is less desirable than some of the other great expansions.)

Bean the Dog enjoying the snow last February

I've also spent some time refining that broadest, sometimes vaguest of topics, who I am. 

I spent decades more or less inviting others to mold me. They were well meaning, those shapers of my psyche, and probably never intended to try to define me per se, but in my zeal to be a good Christian woman, define me they did, as they laid out very specific ideas of what makes a person a 'good Christian'. So this year has been about carefully examining long held beliefs to see if they really fit with what I have experienced of Christ. As it turns out, many of them didn't fit.  And so my expansion has been spiritual as well as mental and emotional. 

My understanding of Christ and his purpose has been expanded as I listened to voices outside of Evangelical Christianity and found some of them which resonated deeply. That growth will certainly continue as I learn to listen to the voices of deeply connected people like Citizen Potawatomi Nation member Robin Wall Kimmerrer who wrote Braiding Sweetgrass and invited me to consider what it means to be connected to the Earth, to be a good caretaker, to respect and honor the Earth and all her living beings. 

Father Richard Rohr who has the gentlest voice imaginable all while chiding us that the way we often try to live out our faith has been harmful and misguided. He speaks the message of the Universality of Christ in his most recent book, The Universal Christ and reminds me that if love is not the end goal (and many times, anything but love has been the end goal of the church), then we are completely missing the mark. 

I've learned from various authors and practitioners that the goal of many who pursue a metaphysical approach to spirituality are precisely the same as the goal I've always said was mine as a Christian. In fact, many times their ability to practice their belief has been far superior to what I've been schooled in. 

Ultimately, I've come to believe that my soul knows what is true because it was made to know what is true. If I am willing to listen to it, I might actually find what my soul longs for: Connection to the Divine, to self, to others and to all of Creation. It means that I must filter through the multitude of loud voices from every tradition who are so prone to shout that they alone have the only right way to see truth. I've been somehow surprised to realize that not one of the groups, whether religious, academic, political or cultural has it all figured out. I had thought for long years that Evangelical Christians had it figured out. I was wrong.

Owning this last bit has been difficult, to say the least, as I have felt such fear that I would lose everyone and everything that made me feel I belonged somewhere. As it happens, I nearly did. But because the truest connections make themselves known in these circumstances, I have retained my beloved husband of 27 years, as well as my precious daughters as true companions of my heart. I've been navigating the waters of new friendships and found good, kind, interested souls with whom to explore new adventures in friendship. I've kindled some new friendships from longtime acquaintances in the church. I've found that not everyone will judge you by whether or not you agree with their view of the world and that such a way of being is more commonly found outside the Church than in, but even inside it there are those who embrace Christ in this way. 

And all of this has led me to the word I am excited to explore in 2020..........

WHOLE

As I began writing down possible words for the coming months, the following list revealed itself to me through therapy, meditation and prayer.

Whole
Shine
Evolve
Nuance
Authentic
Emerge - bring to light - emergence

When I looked at the list, I realized how each of these words was connected to the idea of being, of living, as a whole person. What does it mean to know myself as a whole individual, complete in myself? This idea was foreign to me as I'd been through decades of indoctrination that told I was wholly INCOMPLETE in myself. 

Christianity means to teach people how to reach wholeness. In fact, it teaches that we can be whole because of Jesus. The trouble is, that Christianity has diluted and distorted that message to the point of being unrecognizable. Instead, many other rules are tacked on to what it means to allow Christ to make one whole. So, I've had to spend much energy to undo the work that Christian teaching had done. (I can't call myself a Christian any longer. It's not that Jesus isn't still my closest friend, it's that 'Christian' means a great many things that I no longer believe represent Jesus. Jesus wasn't trying to create a religion, he came to set people free. Right now, that means being free of the label Christian for me.)

What I realize now, is that in the list above are many aspects of wholeness needing focus for the year. These words hold out a progression. I've written out a sort of map below, via words, to guide me to a year of wholeness.

Be aware of Wholeness and Shine so that all the radiantly faceted Nuances of Authenticity Emerge.

It will be interesting to see where this years journey takes me. One thing I am certain of. At the end of 2020 I will not be the same as I am now, at the beginning.

Miss Ruby Woo