Wholeness - Lesson 1

Damn it, I did it again.

I am under construction. There ends up being a fair bit of mess and debris and sometimes, I can just envision the finished project, but then some new step gets in the way, the dust flies and I wonder if this structure will ever be complete. (the short answer, I'm pretty certain, is NO)

I have a special gift for starting fires. I suppose they are dumpster fires for the most part, but still, shit gets burned up, it feels hot and I find myself scrambling for the water hose.

If you've been following me, you know that I am in a somewhat unique stage of life lately. Deconstruction. Many people experience what I'm going through, but not everyone. It's a scary place to be actually, as I'm redefining a few things......well, ALL the things, that I hold closely. 

In keeping with my last post On Being Whole, the lesson for the most recent conflagration is that becoming whole requires dumpster fires. 

Ummm.......

well.........

SHIT!!!! 

I posted on my Facebook about something I felt strong about, but which I didn't think was controversial. Turns out it was, in fact, controversial and a lovely, though relatively fire ensued. It wasn't terrible, but there was some push-back and even a small bit of name-calling. 

A while back, I had vowed to myself that I would not post controversial stuff. 

"Don't be THAT person!" I said.

"Don't cause trouble!" I said.

"Don't have opinions!" I said. (as if!)

"Post puppies and travel photos." I said.

"People won't like you if you have opinions." I said. (um, those ones already don't like you! Hellooooooo)

"People will ignore you." I said. (once again, they already do!)

"You will feel bad and have to apologize." I said.

Frankly, it doesn't matter what the conversation I had with myself was. The main point is this: I told myself to stop being me SO THAT I WOULD BE ACCEPTABLE TO OTHERS. 

I'm going to take you through the questions I asked myself as I turned over what happened on that thread and remembered how it has happened before. 

1. I can see that the push-back made me want to retreat. I felt afraid that I had overstepped what was appropriate. 
2. I felt like I must have crossed a line even though logically, I couldn't see how.
3. I felt like I was taking up too much space.
4. I am thinking that wholeness involves being able to experience push-back without feeling like I need to apologize. How do I do that?
5. Did I actually engage inappropriately with the people pushing back?

The real me is a woman who is passionate, who advocates for the underdog, who has opinions, who thinks deeply about very many things, who wants to see all the people know that they are valuable, who wants to be a part of making that happen, who knows that trying to do that will be messy but that, as a result, some people will know they are valuable.

The real me is a Dumpster Fire, or sometimes, a Brush Fire, or sometimes, a Fucking Firestorm. She's fierce, she's intense and she doesn't just back away from things that make people uncomfortable if she thinks that it matters. And yes, she will push and push when others think she shouldn't. 

But fire is a beautiful thing that is used to purify. It burns away what isn't serving and leaves behind the potential for new growth, growth that could never happen any other way. (No, I am not saying that fire is never bad or dangerous or problematic, this is a metaphor and I am talking about the fire that is necessary and good)

So, back to my Facebook fire. I was trying to invite people to not make unnecessary apologies. It didn't go quite as I'd envisioned, there were conflagrations, I needed a fire extinguisher (If you read the above, then you know that is probably never going to be me. I am not a good fire extinguisher.)

Being whole, lesson number 1 then, is this. 

Be my true self without apology. 

There really are a lot of facets to this, for example:

• I must recognize who I truly am
• I must recognize where I tend to hide my true self for the sake of acceptance 
• I must become willing to accept the consequences of Braving the Wilderness in the times when I might feel alone in my position or person-hood.
• I must recognize when I feel the need to apologize for being fully me and be willing to examine what that is about
• Be willing to be myself even when that makes others uncomfortable
• Speak out the truths that call to my heart

I am going to unpack one of those because I can see how it may be misconstrued and I'd like to address that. 'Be willing to be myself even when that makes others uncomfortable'. That may seem, on it's surface to be a callous, 'I don't give a damn what you think' kind of a statement. That is not at all what I am getting at here. 

What I am saying is that many people are uncomfortable with the status quo being questioned or challenged in almost any manner, no matter how much the status quo NEEDS to be questioned. They like for things to stay the same. They feel comfortable when they are not being asked to change anything. They feel deeply uncomfortable when they are asked to change, sometimes to the point of explosive anger. But sometimes, our unwillingness to move outside of status quo arrangements brings harm to someone else. In those moments, if I see that is happening, I will make people uncomfortable and I will not apologize.

I also realize that being this person will draw some people and repel others. But in truth, I want to draw the people who will love me as I am and hold space for me to grow and change. I want to surround myself with people who love growth and embrace it, even when it is uncomfortable. So, as gently as I know how to say it, if any of what I've said thus far makes you super angry, or makes you want to run the other way or whatever, and you feel you don't want to know me, it is ok to go. It may be sad to see you do so, but we all need to be in the space where we can flourish and if the kind of space I provide doesn't invite your flourishing, then it may be time to part ways.

What I'm thankful for today is that, while I made a mistake in trying to apologize initially for causing some people to be uncomfortable, I was able to recognize what was happening in myself and address it. So I take back my big, throw up my hands and feel sad and sorry post. And I am adding this one on top of it to say, I grew. I'm growing and I am glad of that.