What is Friendship?

Bees and flowers have an interdependent and close relationship. But are they Friends?

This may seem a bit of an odd question, 'What is friendship?' After all, doesn't everybody naturally know what friendship is? Especially if they've had a bit of time (ie, they're old!) and perspective to inform them on the topic?

Today I'd like to suggest that perhaps there is a sense in which not everyone does know what friendship is. And in fact, most people don't know!

Wow! That's a provocative statement isn't it. Is your blood boiling yet? Are you feeling some sort of way that is uncomfortable? Please bear with me and I hope I will be able to adequately explain.

I've been pondering the idea of friendship with some regularity in the last year or so. Recent experiences and turbulence in longtime relationships have precipitated a deep dive into what friendship is, how to find and make solid friendships and what is meant by the idea of reciprocity in particular. (I'm not planning to define these things as I see them today, I hope you aren't too disappointed)

I think most people would say that I'm a friendly sort of person, but my willingness to be as friendly as I once was has shifted to a much more cautious state in the last couple of years.

I've found myself evaluating past friendships with a whole lot more curiosity, and possible future friendships with outright fear and even a little bit of paranoia. Why? Because I lost several very dear friends over a change of beliefs on my part. Then, I worked on making new friends and noticed that some of those also blew up when it became apparent that we didn't hold dear the same beliefs about xyz

That event has propelled me down a road chock full of rabbit trails to get me thinking about .....well......EVERYTHING in new ways.

Back to friendship.

Why do I think that most people don't know what it is?

The reason is that while there may be a textbook definition that you can find from an expert like Brene Brown or some well known Psychologists, most of us aren't using a textbook definition. Rather, each of us define friendship in our own unique way, based on all sorts of things like:

• Our personal experiences with friendship
• Our parent's experiences and definitions of friendships
• Our community examples of friendships
• Our lack of example of friendship
• The books we've read
• The movies we've watched
• Our experience on social media
• Media we've taken in, whether by choice or not
• How we've felt wounded by friends, or anyone we trusted
• Our unique personality traits (I'm referring here to things like Myers-Briggs, Enneagram and other typing systems that help to describe how people have certain tendencies based on nature and nurture)

Each of the factors above, and likely a few more that I haven't considered, causes us to have a nuanced, and DIFFERENT, definition for friendship. That can cause some problems. 

What's more, we don't often spend the time to define how we see friendship. As a result, even if we tried to discuss if with a friend, or potential friend, the reality is that we don't fully know what we expect from a friendship because it isn't something we've fleshed out on purpose. We'd likely end up with some miscommunications, and often without realizing it, because we might think we are saying the same thing. (This is one place where 'active listening' being employed would benefit us)

Yes, our gut knows when our friendship expectations haven't been met, but are we able to clearly articulate that? Can we understand how we arrived at a particular 'friendship qualification set'?

This gets complicated when our conflicting 'FQS' (friendship qualification set) aren't being met in the person we are friends with. You may think that being a friend is mainly about going out and doing things together, the other person may think being a friend is about always having your back if you are being talked bad about. You may think being a friend is about buying each other presents at holidays and birthdays. The other person may think being a friend is about sharing your greatest fears openly. 

All of those things can be a part of friendship. But they aren't part of everyone's FQS. And this is what is so important. We make assumptions about what someone else says when they say we are friends.

Another thing to keep in mind is that even with a single person's FQS, there are still going to be levels of friendship for which the FQS are different. Business friend FQS, Co-worker friend FQS, Neighbor Friend FQS, Family Friend FQS, Best Friend FQS (this particular one, along with Family friend is sooooo loaded and problematic) Party Friend FQS, Hobby Friend FQS. 

Seriously, the list could be endless and it is deeply nuanced. And I am willing to bet that most of us have never even begun to try to understand the differences of expectation between ourselves and others, much less the differences within our own personal FQS levels, etc.

I have a couple of insights that I hope will be helpful to me and you as we navigate friendship.

When you are contemplating a burgeoning relationship with a possible friend, try to understand what they are offering you? Do they want deep, intimate friendship? Or do they just enjoy you and some of your qualities, but don't really have room in their life for a new regular coffee buddy? Are they offering friendly professional support or 'let's share life together' support? And what are you offering? Or reflecting to them? If we can discover that, we might avoid disappointments by honoring those discoveries about what we each are offering.

I will add here that you can't necessarily just ask another person what they are offering either, because that may not be a 'language' that they speak. It's relatively unlikely that they've intentionally clarified this for themselves. 

That means it is my own job to pay attention and learn to recognize what potential friends are offering. I must consider that they may use language that indicates one thing to me but something entirely different to them. I must try to understand what they mean! As opposed to interpreting what they say according to what I would LIKE them to mean.

I'd also invite you to spend time taking inventory of your relationships, both past and present to understand how they've shaped your definition. How might it be the same as some of those friends feelings on the matter, or different from their beliefs about friendship.

Maybe get out your journal and write down how you define friendship.  Where are places in your relationship where expectations about 'friendship' may have set you up for disappointment? 

Be curious enough to allow for the possibility that this definition will continue to be adjusted over time both for you and for others.

I hope this has been helpful. I'm certainly no expert but I think this could be clarifying for someone else. I'd love to hear what thoughts this provoked in you, so please leave me a comment. If you've found this post helpful, please feel free to share it with others.