The Journey, Entry #2 - Why So Long?

(Beauty in Wholeness, original artwork by Ursula Schneider)

I'm a 4w5 on the Enneagram. If you aren't familiar with the Enneagram, I'll briefly describe what that means. Basically, I want to know all the things so I study and learn. I feel all the feelings and I am willing to feel all the feelings. And I want to be known. Deeply. I want to be seen.  And having been known and seen, finally to be truly accepted. Being seen and known and accepted is love to me. I want to know others as well and this is how I show them love, by seeing, knowing and accepting them. This has been both a blessing and a problem. 

It's a blessing because for quite a few people, even those who aren't Enneagram 4's, being seen is a tremendously healing moment. It's a problem because there are some people who truly don't want to be seen. 

One of the ways my desire to be seen and known has revealed itself, is that I share my journey freely and publicly. 

I think sharing our stories is essential in a culture where so much stigma exists about how we are supposed to look to others. This is especially true around things like sexual abuse, sexual identity and ideas around who we are as individuals. So, while I do want to be seen, I also want to invite people into a place of freedom where they can fully be who they are as well.

So, NOT sharing my journey regarding Deconstruction has been agonizing for me. I've felt squashed, silenced and trapped. One of my deepest hopes since I was a small child was that if I could just explain clearly to others what was in my heart, then they would see me and love me because they'd recognize that I am true, even if I'm not 'right'. 

But one of the most difficult lessons I have had to learn is that many people absolutely don't... want..... to see me, know me or love me, for who I am.

This lesson became clearest through the events of the last year+. 

Initially, I took the things I was learning and studying about to 'my people'. You know what I mean, the ones who knew me best. The ones who loved me. The ones I had always been able to be my whole self with. These were the people who knew all of my good traits as well as my darker traits, my loving traits and my irritating traits. I knew they'd be safe. I knew they'd allow me to explore and ask questions. That process had been a part of our relationships for many years.

Unfortunately, they weren't OK with the questions I was asking about men and women.

Instead of listening with curiosity, they quickly grew defensive, closing their hearts, minds and souls to me. Where before we'd been open books to one another, now, we seemed to be on opposite sides of a high, thick wall. When I attempted to say 'but you KNOW me', they were unmoved. It looked to them like I was a 'defector', or maybe even a traitor, and they were suddenly afraid of being influenced by me.

Those people I lost rather quickly. There were some, with whom I was less close, that seemed to want to continue relationship, even though they weren't very sure about where I was heading. With these folks, I continued the discussion for a time, but it wasn't very long before I felt them pull away as well. 

Several of these folks began to sing with the choir that says 'Shouldn't you be keeping these thoughts to yourself? You know you will damage the church by talking this way.' 

Shsssshhhh!

Silencing. 

I was being silenced. 

No one wanted me to talk about how my situation had played out. My perceptions that the church I had been a part of had actually pushed me out were especially problematic. 

Within the family of the Church, it is assumed that this sort of thing should NEVER be discussed openly. 

Since they didn't see it the way I saw it, they believed my perception was wrong. And since they believed my perception was wrong, I shouldn't express it. Because, you know, it could actually be wrong. And if I was actually wrong (as if such a thing was a clear demarcation!) then my thoughts on the matter certainly shouldn't be told to anyone in a public way. 

The Church must always be viewed in a positive light. It must always be viewed in the light of being absolutely, 100% right. 

Even when there are 'not so positive' things happening inside those walls. 

A protective attitude towards the church is a necessity for most Christians. Those who offer a criticism, no matter how honest or gentle, are viewed as an enemy. Not just an enemy of the Church, but an enemy of God!

When I refused to stay silent, I was shunned. When I did share, I was frequently ignored altogether. If one of my Christian friends engaged a discussion that I brought up, it was most frequently with skepticism and corrective tones. I was 'unfriended', that delicious experience of pop-culture which has such a fantastic ability to shred a person's soul, and take them right back to Junior High.

And the result was that I went radio-silent. 

Where my heart wanted to share the things I was learning, because that is how I'm made, I mostly kept it to myself. Where I wanted to ask a question about the history of a given doctrine, I kept it to myself. Where I wanted to reach out for compassion because I felt like I was dying inside, I kept it to myself.

I just kept....... to myself.

And, for the most part, no one gave evidence of having noticed. No one 'checked in'. No one wished me a Merry Christmas, or a Happy Birthday or asked me 'how are you?' The collective 'they' also went silent. My community stopped communing.

I had to sit with the pain and reality of that for quite a while. I'll be getting into more about that later, but I do want to say that this is such a destructive place to be. If I said that I never thought about ending it all, I'd be lying. I've been through enough suicide threats with loved ones, and actual suicide, that I didn't go there. But my heart wanted to be done with the seemingly endless pain and the deafening silence.

And then, I began the arduous task of rebuilding my soul. And that is why I am here, sharing this story with you now. Because that building project is well under way. And while it's not even slightly clear what the outline shape of Me is going to be, the foundation of loving myself fully is a curing expanse of brightly stained concrete. There's a design there, but the casual onlooker won't be able to see what it is for a while yet.

Let me recap clearly. Why did it take so long to share this story? Three reasons:

1. I was told that what I had to say shouldn't be said, and that made me afraid of losing  people I loved.
2. I lost them anyway and had to grieve that.
3. I had to work to find my voice again and build the ability to use it.

Next time I'll give an overview of what it's like to 'leave the fold'. In case you thought it was something I just 'decided' to do because I'm some sort of rebellious woman who simply can't be a 'good girl' and must cause problems, because, you know, it's fun for me.

If you're joining for the first time, you may want to check out previous posts that are earlier installations of this story by clicking on the following link. The Journey Also, if you are enjoying reading about this Journey, please consider subscribing. Thank you so much for reading today!